distant

God! My God! It’s you—
I search for you!
My whole being thirsts for you!
My body desires you
   in a dry and tired land,
   no water anywhere. – Psalm 63:1 (CEB)

As I sit on my porch to write, I am surrounded by God’s abundance.

We finally received rain yesterday, and everything is refreshed.

The green has returned.

My flowers and plants are perky once again.

The birds are singing. The sun isn’t shining because it’s about to rain again – the anticipation of it is heavy in the air.

We still need more rain. Even though it wouldn’t stop in the spring, it’s been dry of late. This is coupled with sun and heat the last two weeks. Nature is fickle that way. It needs to constantly be nurtured in a balanced way in order to thrive.

Nature is fickle that way. It needs to constantly be nurtured in a balanced way in order to thrive. We aren't any different. #faith #hope Click To Tweet

I’m not really different. I can’t eat for a week and then take a week off. Or stay up for days on end and then sleep a lot. We don’t work that way. I think that’s why depression is such a difficult life partner. When I am in balance, a down day doesn’t have a negative impact. But when depression takes hold, balance goes away. I seem distant from myself because who I am in these times is not who I really am.

In these times, God also seems distant. As I try to prepare for worship each week, God seems silent. It’s hard to find words when God doesn’t provide them. I know God is there and is indeed speaking, but it seems lost in the fog. What I do hear sounds more like an echo, the leftover of the actual sound. It isn’t clear. It isn’t complete. I can’t quite grasp it.

Depression leaves a body dry and tired. It wearies my being. I realize I am thirsty but there is an inability to drink the bit of water I can even find. It does not quench. If anything, it reminds me of how thirsty I am.

As the psalmist calls out to the God who seems distant, there is a certainty that God is actually there. The desire to find water – to find God – is a reminder that dry and tired is not who we are meant to be. It is not all we are.

Therefore, I pray that the same heavy anticipation in the air this morning of a quenching rain will be felt in my soul and balance might be restored. That the truth that God is not distant or an elusive echo will not simply be a statement of faith but my lived reality. And that I will find myself again.

Almost ready to bloom.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
   Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
   if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
   if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
   your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
   and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
   the night will shine like the day,
   for darkness is as light to you. – Psalm 139:7-12 (NRSV)

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7 Thoughts to “distant”

  1. krc

    great pics!

    i cant wait for ready to bloom flowers too

    1. Hope they bloom soon!

  2. Jennifer

    How true – that we need to be regularly and consistently nurtured in a balanced way in order to thrive. It often takes me a while to find the right balance. With my gardening and in many other ways:)

  3. We definitely need that balance and regular refreshing from God. I love how you highlight that although the Psalmist feels like God is distant he still has the certainty that he is there. I definitely relate to that at times!

  4. Muskego Glenn

    Yes, one’s happiness can be quite distant or even difficult to accept when depression creeps in. I hope the break in this hot, muggy weather soon to come will help you bloom again like your garden’s flowers.

  5. In these dark and bloody days,
    God seems far away,
    vanished in a cold grey haze
    and my voice chokes as I pray.
    I really do not like this place,
    I tire of the danger.
    And then, an unexpected grace,
    encouragement from a stranger.
    Reaching out across the miles,
    I see God’s hand in this.
    Though I am blinded to His smiles,
    I yet can feel His kiss.
    He’s not aloof and far above;
    He lives here, in kindness’ love.

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